I realize lately that I’ve been failing at mindfulness. I have been tripping over trip wires and bramble vines of my own mind. I’ve been bouncing off of the same wall over and over again for weeks. Honestly I’m not sure why I’m having so much difficulty with this.
You see I had gotten very well versed in just being aware of all the insanity that hops and skips around the fields of blooming bones and bleached roses. I was able to catch each fluttering thing, be it positive or negative, and examine it’s delicate wings before letting it go completely. That hasn’t been the case the last few weeks.
No I trip and stumble while trying to catch things. I fall into cesspools which ilk simply won’t scrub off. It just transfers from spot to spot and I get distracted with scrubbing at it in maddening OCD cycle. This makes me miss the real issue as it flutters by.
I’ve made some progress since starting this blog. I’ve been able to start cleansing some of the ilk off. This has allowed me to snatch up the slower moving issues, examine them, accept them, and let them go. But restoring the balance has been way too slow for me.
I know I should not be so hard on myself. I know that forcing mindfulness is completely against what it is. It’s reminding myself that these forceful moments are counter productive to what I am trying to restore. So I will keep working on them and I will be successful.
Another thing I’m having issue with lately that I’ve realized more this morning are things people are saying to me. They are saying “You deserve to be happy.” “I want you to be happy.” “You deserve whatever you want.” and many variations of these things.
The simplest of these to deal with is the “You deserve whatever you want.” Really I do not. If I did my mind would not have find it in the current state of flux that it finds itself in. Just as simple as that. If my wants = what I deserve balance would have never been upset. So every time I hear this it makes my eye twitch.
Happiness…. That is something that is never my goal. So many people believe that happiness is the be all end all goal. No. Happiness comes and goes so easily. It’s just another state of ordered chaos. What I want again is balance. I want to have contentment again and I want the simple satisfaction to be able to sit still again in silence without any thing necessary to keep me focused. I do not deserve happiness because no one deserves happiness. Everyone deserves the right to pursue it but to expect you will always be happy is a thing of failure.
Anyway, off to do go work on some folding and sewing. Do check out my About section on the side bar, it may change from time to time. Feel free to dance around my blog. The topics are always changing here and you might find things you like. As always thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read anything I jot down here.