Originally Posted August 2014 elsewhere (it briefly touched K&P on fetlife. I was so proud)
Since coming back to Oklahoma and deciding to stop being such a shadow at fet related things I’ve slowly turned into a mentor for a lot of new to newer people. I am honored by this. Most of the time the problems and/or questions are simple. Others are not so much. There is one fear problem I’ve had several times in the past year so it is time to pen it down. I know very recently this was brought to me as well and I thank you for that. The issue is a bad scene or BDSM fuck up.
This is something I talk about when I teach a knife class. It really is simple the longer you play, the more edgy stuff you do, the more people you experience, and the simple fact that you and your partner are human the greater the risk you WILL have a bad scene and/or you WILL mess up. I’m sorry to break that to you oh readers but it is going to happen. Be prepared for it now.
I’ve fucked up several scenes. A few of those disasters got the bottom hurt. Most of them gets me injured (try making the split second decision to invert a scalpel and put it into your own hand instead of the breast of your bottom). I once had a scene end so poorly that Mary and I started arguing which continued into us arguing on the way home. It happens.
What I have told several people, and I will continue to tell people, is when it goes bad the best thing you can do is be adults about it. There is an exception to this if the scene went bad due to malicious, unconsenting, and/or violating circumstances then you need to get help immediately. But what do I mean about being adults? Well once everyone’s emotions are more in control talk to each other. See where it went bad. Apologize to each other if necessary. Will it be awkward? Yes, but being and working through the awkward is much better then everyone hating each other. It’s much better then everyone causing mutual friends to be awkward. Be honest with each other and preserver. So what are some things that can be done to reduce damage once things go wrong?
Let’s look at the sub/bottom. Speak up about things that are not right. Doesn’t matter what it is. Does not matter if you asked for it. Does not matter that you are the submissive. None of your excuses in your head matter. What matters is if it does not feel right speak up. You have safe word right? Well call it. Communicate it immediately when things have gotten bad. Respect your Dom/Top enough to speak up because most will feel like shit for having hurt you. But most importantly by all that you are respect yourself enough to give yourself the right to speak up.
On the top side. You have been given a gift and blessing to be in that position. You have been given the responsibility too. Own that responsibility. If you are like me check in on your bottom regularly. Practice your observation skills. Learn what the signs are when someone is really in distress. During the negotiation, you insisted on negotiating first right, talk to them about triggers. During that negotiation talk to them about uncomfortable things and pay attention to what their reactions are. Those reactions are important. Knowing your bottom and what they like and don’t like and want and don’t want is important. I personally insist on negotiating scenes over and over again with someone that is new to me until after I’ve scened with them a handful of times. Also respect your bottom enough to call a scene if things go wrong. Doesn’t matter if they didn’t call it. You should call it or you are making it worse. Respect your position of power exchange and respect yourself and your honor and reputation enough to call that scene.
In the end it does not matter which side you are on. Just understand there will be mistakes. Be prepared for that. When it happens use that experience to grow. Use it to make yourself a better person, and if at all possible use it to make your connection with the other person involved stronger (if at all possible but sometimes you just can’t). As always enjoy yourself and be risk aware.