I’ve been deep in thought lately. Very deep in thought.
Since puberty I’ve dealt with depression. It seems about every ten years I have break down as well. They progressively get worse as well. The last one came very near to killing me. So near that I was diagnosed with major clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m not shy about this. I am open and honest. Yet I’ve pondered the frequency and consistency of my break downs and have come to a nasty conclusion.
First I figured out why. I now am very aware of what I do that triggers the chain of events that will lead to it. Now I don’t understand the time frame. Probably never will. But I do understand the cause. I hold it up like a putrid gem and have admired it’s horrifying beauty.
But the down and dirty of it is that I cannot cease the action the action that causes the break down has to happen. So inevitability I will snap again. Oh it won’t be anytime soon, but after careful examination of my life I see the bars I’ve surrounded myself with so very clearly.
And there is a broken hour glass pouring it’s sands between trembling fingers with no hope to stopping the flow.
I love to cook. I love to cook for people I like. I also like sharing pictures and such of what I cook. So here we go the on and off again cooking posts.
Last night we had baked Salmon with a savory and spicy blackberry sauce over a bed of quinoa and oven roasted garlic asparagus.
Not the best of photos my actual camera is down. So I need to get it fixed or get a new camera.
And just so you know yes the plate is on the floor. My fiancee and I actually tend to have our meals sitting crosslegged on the floor with each other. It has become more our preference and for me adds a much more personal addition to meals. Seems more intimate to me.
So I’m friends with many amazing writers. They are awesome awesome people and all writers need support. Everyone hears about George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, and throw any other big named famous writer here and think it’s all glamour and riches. It’s not. Most writers have day jobs. So I would like to plug some of my dear friends. If you are interested please check them out.
K.A. Stewart – She’s an amazing, and often times stubborn, woman who has great talent for crisp simple writing. Her focus is fantasy, urban fantasy and a western fantasy, you can find out about her here or if you just want to dive into her books you can go here and her self pubbed here. Oh she is also going to be my Best Matron in my upcoming wedding.
Lela Gwenn – She’s a model, writer, fitness guru, nerdy, supports women and women rights in so many ways and during a very very dark time offered to take me in. She’s amazing all around. Her projects usually launch as kickstarters and various crowd sourcing type things. So if you are interested in knowing more about here go here, this is a comic book project she writes on, a book of her’s… She’s great.
Alice Loweecy – She is the mommy of a lot of the writers, and I cause this poor woman anxiety to no end. She also is a great lady and during a moment that I need a firm advice gave it to me. She writes mystery novels. Specifically mystery novels about an ex-nun crime fighter. You can learn all kinds of things about her here, or if you want to snatch up her books hurry over here
Maryn Blackburn – She’s a fun older lady that writes erotica. Another person that has imparted wisdom to me from time to time or simply lifted my spirits with good conversation. She’s great, experienced, and sometimes actually supports my insane antics. If you want to learn more about her you can go here or if you want to buy her hot and steamy book go here.
There are more I want to plug, and eventually will get to some other amazing authors, but for now this is a start. If you are looking for some good reading please check these ladies out.
I’ve had an etsy store for a little while now. Doesn’t really make me a lot of money but I’m able to pursue some of my other passions via it. The store does focus on wild harvested things. Everything that is taken from nature is done in the most sustainable fashion possible. I take great pride in respecting nature to it’s fullest.
I hope to start making inks next year for it and sail other lovely things that I make or find.
In the spring I’ll ramp it back up again on what’s in there but for now if you are interested in it you can find it HERE
Blogs are interesting things. Especially ones like I enjoy writing where I cover a wide range of topics. Each topic exposes yourself. It exposes your life. It brings forth the nitty gritty and for me helps immensely… For a while.
I say “for a while” because the same thing happens over and over again when I blog. Everyone is fascinated by it as long as it only has to do with me. As soon as it has to do with with how someone relates to me, has interacted with me, and so on I get attacked for it. Does not matter the person. And I always make the mistake of sharing my blog with those that do interact with me in person.
Friends, family, lovers, partners. It all comes down to “Why did you write that?” Because it’s my blog. Nothing I said is ever untruthful, and rarely is it ever malicious. If you interact with me and want to read my thoughts chances are you will eventually become a topic point. Yet people can’t deal with that. They think they can but truthfully no one ever has been able to. When it happens it always leaves me feeling the same way. Betrayed.
That feeling makes me want to stop all together. For this blog it happened a lot sooner. Usually it’s at the one year mark. Yet I received anger before this thing reached one month. A new record for me pissing off people I interact with in person.
So just left feeling like I should close off and keep silent. I don’t know. I’ll think on it.
I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.
The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.
Continue reading “Monsters should never pretend to be men.”