I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.
The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.
Every time I attempt to bridge these worlds destruction quickly burns through both. It’s always followed by an ice over that is too frigid to feel past. Sometimes it only lasts a day. While other times it has lasted years. Always the same things are spoken to me before I work on bridging things.
They tell me “I can handle it.” I’m reassured that “It will be okay.” That they are so different from everyone else. Yet after 31 years of trying I’ve learned that my world is just meant to be a lonely place viewed from afar. Glimpsed like reading fairy tales before bedtime. Just witnessed never experienced.
It is a very lonely place but it is my place and there is comfort in knowing that.