What has been said

My old psychatrist, an amazing woman, once said to me “You are very intelligent, extremely self aware, and very creative. Your world must be filled with so much pain.”

A friend of mine once said about me to someone else “He lives in this world but is not a part of it.”

I’ve thought over and over again about these two statements. If there were ever statements that defined me as a person these are it. These are the things that drive me to the brink and back again. These are the facts about me that keep me sane and insane daily.

Each aspect here grounds me and shatters me.

And all that is my world.

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What has been said

Sprouting From Seeds

It’s gardening season. I just have a few more seeds coming in and I’ll get started. But not going to talk about my garden. Going to talk about seed sprouting. Specifically saving seeds from things and sprouting them yourself.

You’ll see all over the Internets, all over gardening magazines, all over the gardening world and plant world that you shouldn’t save seeds from things because they may not be as good as the parent tree/plant/bush. But let’s think about this.

All over the world before a lot of modern practices in agriculture we saved seeds and sprouted things. We cross pollinated to hopefully create better hybrids. We failed and we succeeded. There are over 6,000 apple varieties in the world. Those came from careful selection, random mutations, and chance findings. There are over 10,000 tomato varieties in the world. All from seeds.

So why are you encouraged in so many sources not to save and replant seeds? It really comes down to profit. This ideal of keeping money flowing into people’s hands. Is there a chance you could get inferior plants? Yes. But there is also a chance you could get superior. And there is a chance you could get the exact same thing. But seed companies, want to make money so this idealism that you shouldn’t save seeds was pushed many many many years ago.

So my thoughts. Save your seeds and save some money. Create new varieties. Create more genetic diversity. It is how we keep the human food supply going.

Sprouting From Seeds

Life has gotten so hectic lately. I have this thing to purge such  things and yet I have not been using it. I still feel burned on it. I feel that I should go else where, but at the same time I have this. Since I have it I should use it.

Right now I do not wish to talk about the chaos going on. Right now I want to talk about something I believe strongly in. Climate Change.

Now I have friends all over the spectrum of the topic. That’s fine. Yet I have been asked how I can believe in climate change. For me it is a very very simple thing. I have seen it happening.

I love the outdoors. I love nature. I’m obsessed with plants. And honestly when I was a teenager and young adult I was skeptical about the idea. But I used my own eyes, ears, and hands. My feet took me places. I saw spring coming earlier and earlier. I witnessed the change in streams and rivers. The change in forests and fields. But these are smaller things…. Yet I saw changes in weather. Subtle but still there. Still consistent. I also have seen animal and insect behavior change. These things I saw with my own eyes… But my mind took it even further.

I thought of the world like a garage. We have all our stuff in it. All our things. You park your car in it. If you sit in your garage with your car running what happens? So what happens if we keep pumping shit into our water? Shit into our air? What happens? It’s not going anywhere? Yet we keep sending it up at a faster and faster rate… This can’t be good. It just can’t be.

So with these things I’ve seen. With these thoughts I’ve had. I have been an avid supporter of action for climate change fore many many many many years now. But I become so disheartened by others.

Pain

So I am mildly concerned at the moment. I’m currently on day 11 of testicular pain in my left testicle. The pain changes from day-to-day. Some days it’s mild. Other days I want to throw up from the pain. At work recently I jumped a flat standing jump to pull something off the top shelf. When I landed I almost passed out from the pain and was sick the rest of the night. To put that in perspective I’ve experienced some hellish pain before and I’ve only now blacked out twice. One of those times was after oral surgery when I woke up and found no painkillers.

Now I know. I should go to the doctor. Couple of problems with this. My insurance is not active yet and I have shitty restaurant insurance right now that won’t cover much. So when it does go active… Well I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong but I don’t know what else. We’ll see what happens when I get insurance.

Here’s the thing. I’ll be fine. One way or another I will. It happens. It will get better. It’s just incredibly unpleasant until then.

Pain

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

I’ve neglected this out of pouty hurt and a selfish betrayal. It happens. As much as I hate it I am human, a mis-wired human at times, but still human. There are emotions I don’t feel, emotions I don’t understand, things about people I will never comprehend from my slanted view of reality, but the things I do understand, the things I do feel, the items I experience burn through me and chill me with the most extreme temperatures of fantasy. It makes my reactions harsh, extreme, unexpected, or simply nonexistent. Yet I was able to experience something recently that has forced me think a lot.

A week or two ago (I have absolutely no concept of time) I visited a teacher I had in high school. She was a grounding point to me. An inspiration. A mentor. Later a friend. I visited her at the school that she still works at during her planning period. When I was a senior she and I worked hard to keep a program alive. I pumped life into that organization, I stressed over it, gritted my teeth at night in my room, and screamed in my mind wanting something more, wanting to bleed myself out and give life to something a country school wanted to die. Now it’s something amazing. She took the seed that I planted and guarded and poured my life into and made it into a beautiful tree that has stretched beyond the reaches I believed that school possible. It was heart warming. This was a creative writing club.

While I was there I was able to see a young woman practice two pieces for a competition. I was allowed to give input into the pieces. Since those days my mind has been considering that young woman and her pieces. While her topics had nothing to do with me. Her power, emotions, the fact that she was standing there reverberated in me.

The first thing is that  I often feel what I’ve done has not impacted anyone. That my life has been a waste. That I’ve not touched anyone. That in the end I’m nothing and I’ve harmed more than done good. But I see a dream I had in High School inspire youth and being taken to amazing heights. Actually that same day I sat down with my grandmother and talked to her about it. I told her with moistening eyes that the idea that people year after year after year have been touched by this, have been given refuge, solace, peace, in something I did is humbling.  That what I left behind will continue touching… I sit here and consider that impact and it makes me feel selfish for the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Then there was this young lady that graciously practiced in front of this stranger and listened to the words I had to say. I once ripped forth my emotion that way. I once armed myself with words. I once used them to draw forth the rawness of the storms of my insides. And an adulthood of attack after attack by those that declare love dampened it. I allowed myself to build barriers that hindered me. And watching this young lady pour out her pain reminded me of the original purpose of the organization I kept alive.

I kept it alive for the primary purpose to allow young people to express themselves and heal wounds via whatever they wrote. Be it stories, poetry, songs, or whatever else they choose to pin down may they heal and be alive with those words.

And sitting there I realized that I have impacted people. I have done good. I have succeeded in many ways. I have to remember that. I will fall, I will get down trodden, I will get beat down, but may I never forget that somewhere I crafted an open forum for people to grow and blossom. May I remember that I simple beginning has touched so many and even if it ends tomorrow those ripples from all those people may continue an idea and dream for as long as they remember. May I remember this, may I use this to continue to grow myself, and hopefully I will be able to continue to tear down my own restrictions with it.

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

Depression

I’ve been deep in thought lately. Very deep in thought.

Since puberty I’ve dealt with depression. It seems about every ten years I have break down as well. They progressively get worse as well. The last one came very near to killing me. So near that I was diagnosed with major clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m not shy about this. I am open and honest. Yet I’ve pondered the frequency and consistency of my break downs and have come to a nasty conclusion.

First I figured out why. I now am very aware of what I do that triggers the chain of events that will lead to it. Now I don’t understand the time frame. Probably never will. But I do understand the cause. I hold it up like a putrid gem and have admired it’s horrifying beauty.

But the down and dirty of it is that I cannot cease the action the action that causes the break down has to happen. So inevitability I will snap again. Oh it won’t be anytime soon, but after careful examination of my life I see the bars I’ve surrounded myself with so very clearly.

Depression