You’re going to fuck up and you’re going to have a bad scene

Originally Posted August 2014 elsewhere (it briefly touched K&P on fetlife. I was so proud)

Also check out this post if you are new to BDSM

Since coming back to Oklahoma and deciding to stop being such a shadow at fet related things I’ve slowly turned into a mentor for a lot of new to newer people. I am honored by this. Most of the time the problems and/or questions are simple. Others are not so much. There is one fear problem I’ve had several times in the past year so it is time to pen it down. I know very recently this was brought to me as well and I thank you for that. The issue is a bad scene or BDSM fuck up.

This is something I talk about when I teach a knife class. It really is simple the longer you play, the more edgy stuff you do, the more people you experience, and the simple fact that you and your partner are human the greater the risk you WILL have a bad scene and/or you WILL mess up. I’m sorry to break that to you oh readers but it is going to happen. Be prepared for it now.

I’ve fucked up several scenes. A few of those disasters got the bottom hurt. Most of them gets me injured (try making the split second decision to invert a scalpel and put it into your own hand instead of the breast of your bottom). I once had a scene end so poorly that Mary and I started arguing which continued into us arguing on the way home. It happens.

What I have told several people, and I will continue to tell people, is when it goes bad the best thing you can do is be adults about it. There is an exception to this if the scene went bad due to malicious, unconsenting, and/or violating circumstances then you need to get help immediately. But what do I mean about being adults? Well once everyone’s emotions are more in control talk to each other. See where it went bad. Apologize to each other if necessary. Will it be awkward? Yes, but being and working through the awkward is much better then everyone hating each other. It’s much better then everyone causing mutual friends to be awkward. Be honest with each other and preserver. So what are some things that can be done to reduce damage once things go wrong?

Let’s look at the sub/bottom. Speak up about things that are not right. Doesn’t matter what it is. Does not matter if you asked for it. Does not matter that you are the submissive. None of your excuses in your head matter. What matters is if it does not feel right speak up. You have safe word right? Well call it. Communicate it immediately when things have gotten bad. Respect your Dom/Top enough to speak up because most will feel like shit for having hurt you. But most importantly by all that you are respect yourself enough to give yourself the right to speak up.

On the top side. You have been given a gift and blessing to be in that position. You have been given the responsibility too. Own that responsibility. If you are like me check in on your bottom regularly. Practice your observation skills. Learn what the signs are when someone is really in distress. During the negotiation, you insisted on negotiating first right, talk to them about triggers. During that negotiation talk to them about uncomfortable things and pay attention to what their reactions are. Those reactions are important. Knowing your bottom and what they like and don’t like and want and don’t want is important. I personally insist on negotiating scenes over and over again with someone that is new to me until after I’ve scened with them a handful of times. Also respect your bottom enough to call a scene if things go wrong. Doesn’t matter if they didn’t call it. You should call it or you are making it worse. Respect your position of power exchange and respect yourself and your honor and reputation enough to call that scene.

In the end it does not matter which side you are on. Just understand there will be mistakes. Be prepared for that. When it happens use that experience to grow. Use it to make yourself a better person, and if at all possible use it to make your connection with the other person involved stronger (if at all possible but sometimes you just can’t). As always enjoy yourself and be risk aware.

You’re going to fuck up and you’re going to have a bad scene

BDSM – A brief intro for when this topic surfaces again

I was first introduced into the BDSM lifestyle when I was 18 (I will be 31 in a few days).  I have phased in and out of it throughout my life depending on relationships and free time. After having a complete psychological melt down and recovering from that a few years back I decided that the BDSM lifestyle was a pretty heavy part and I would slowly start sliding into it again…. Slowly didn’t happen I bounced in and rolled with guns blazing.  Somehow along that journey I found myself a board member of a local dungeon (if you are in the Oklahoma City area and are interested in more let me know we can talk).

Because I am a board I try to get new people to come to the dungeon. Now I am a heavy believer in screening people pretty strongly before dragging them in. We have a very safe and fun environment and I would like to keep it that way. Yet with a lot of the people I talk to I find myself answering the same questions and correcting some of the more outlandish misconceptions.

Well it’s a big orgy fest, or “Are there people having sex everywhere?” No. While a lot of BDSM does have sex or sexual like acts there is just as much that does not. I can tell you that the majority of scenes that end do not end with sex. The core element of BDSM is not about sex. It is about power exchange.  It is about a give and take. Does not matter if that give and take is just for the one scene or if that exchange is for a lifetime. Power and releasing of it is the core drive. I average five scenes every play party and I can tell you none of them end in sex. Exception of this is if I scene on my fiancée which majority of time ends in sex, but that’s in a room designated for that and not on the dungeon floor.

It is all about pain/beating/bondage. No. While my key fetishes are blood and knives my bag has stuff for sensation play, bondage, electric (from painful to tickling), floggers, canes, paddles, wax, fire play, fire cups, and who knows what else I will pull out. Yet there are also the D/s side of things.

Domination and submission. You don’t have to have the sadism and masochism. You don’t have to have the bondage. All you might have is just that power exchange. Where someone controls the other and the other serves. This is a willing contract and, if done correctly, brings fulfillment to the lives of both people. It’s not for everyone but this life style as a whole is not for everyone.

If I go I will have to play. No. A lot of new people just lurk at the edges of things. They hide out and watch for sometime before finally experiencing anything. You are not obligated to play. If someone harasses you than you report them to a DM (dungeon monitor). They are supposed to be safe environments of personal expression.

It is illegal and I can get arrested. This one is tricky. It depends on where in the world you live. In the USA it can depend on the city limits you live in. I sat in an entire class on the legality of BDSM and really the majority of it depends on consent. Consenting adults. A police officer may arrest you and the best thing you can do is not speak or talk about anything. Don’t agree to anything. Really as long as everyone is completely consenting than it is legal in most places.

I do not know if my faith will allow it, but I want to try. This one amuses me to no end. I’ve seen 60 year old “grandmotherly” types in a dungeon that go to church regularly. I’ve talked to Muslims that are in the lifestyle. You have people that are Wiccan, Pagan, Atheist, Hindi, Catholic, etc etc etc. It really is just about how you insert it into your life and making it work with your beliefs.

I don’t have toys so I can’t play. This really depends on the dungeon. But most of the time there is always someone willing to let you try things. We have lots of people in the one I work at that are happy to let you play with things and coach you on them.

In essence the BDSM lifestyle is what you make of it. It is a varied and beautiful world that has a bad reputation. If you have any questions feel free to ask. In weeks and months to come I will be transferring some blog posts on more specific BDSM topics that I’ve written elsewhere.

BDSM – A brief intro for when this topic surfaces again