Life has gotten so hectic lately. I have this thing to purge such  things and yet I have not been using it. I still feel burned on it. I feel that I should go else where, but at the same time I have this. Since I have it I should use it.

Right now I do not wish to talk about the chaos going on. Right now I want to talk about something I believe strongly in. Climate Change.

Now I have friends all over the spectrum of the topic. That’s fine. Yet I have been asked how I can believe in climate change. For me it is a very very simple thing. I have seen it happening.

I love the outdoors. I love nature. I’m obsessed with plants. And honestly when I was a teenager and young adult I was skeptical about the idea. But I used my own eyes, ears, and hands. My feet took me places. I saw spring coming earlier and earlier. I witnessed the change in streams and rivers. The change in forests and fields. But these are smaller things…. Yet I saw changes in weather. Subtle but still there. Still consistent. I also have seen animal and insect behavior change. These things I saw with my own eyes… But my mind took it even further.

I thought of the world like a garage. We have all our stuff in it. All our things. You park your car in it. If you sit in your garage with your car running what happens? So what happens if we keep pumping shit into our water? Shit into our air? What happens? It’s not going anywhere? Yet we keep sending it up at a faster and faster rate… This can’t be good. It just can’t be.

So with these things I’ve seen. With these thoughts I’ve had. I have been an avid supporter of action for climate change fore many many many many years now. But I become so disheartened by others.

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Pain

So I am mildly concerned at the moment. I’m currently on day 11 of testicular pain in my left testicle. The pain changes from day-to-day. Some days it’s mild. Other days I want to throw up from the pain. At work recently I jumped a flat standing jump to pull something off the top shelf. When I landed I almost passed out from the pain and was sick the rest of the night. To put that in perspective I’ve experienced some hellish pain before and I’ve only now blacked out twice. One of those times was after oral surgery when I woke up and found no painkillers.

Now I know. I should go to the doctor. Couple of problems with this. My insurance is not active yet and I have shitty restaurant insurance right now that won’t cover much. So when it does go active… Well I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong but I don’t know what else. We’ll see what happens when I get insurance.

Here’s the thing. I’ll be fine. One way or another I will. It happens. It will get better. It’s just incredibly unpleasant until then.

Pain

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

I’ve neglected this out of pouty hurt and a selfish betrayal. It happens. As much as I hate it I am human, a mis-wired human at times, but still human. There are emotions I don’t feel, emotions I don’t understand, things about people I will never comprehend from my slanted view of reality, but the things I do understand, the things I do feel, the items I experience burn through me and chill me with the most extreme temperatures of fantasy. It makes my reactions harsh, extreme, unexpected, or simply nonexistent. Yet I was able to experience something recently that has forced me think a lot.

A week or two ago (I have absolutely no concept of time) I visited a teacher I had in high school. She was a grounding point to me. An inspiration. A mentor. Later a friend. I visited her at the school that she still works at during her planning period. When I was a senior she and I worked hard to keep a program alive. I pumped life into that organization, I stressed over it, gritted my teeth at night in my room, and screamed in my mind wanting something more, wanting to bleed myself out and give life to something a country school wanted to die. Now it’s something amazing. She took the seed that I planted and guarded and poured my life into and made it into a beautiful tree that has stretched beyond the reaches I believed that school possible. It was heart warming. This was a creative writing club.

While I was there I was able to see a young woman practice two pieces for a competition. I was allowed to give input into the pieces. Since those days my mind has been considering that young woman and her pieces. While her topics had nothing to do with me. Her power, emotions, the fact that she was standing there reverberated in me.

The first thing is that  I often feel what I’ve done has not impacted anyone. That my life has been a waste. That I’ve not touched anyone. That in the end I’m nothing and I’ve harmed more than done good. But I see a dream I had in High School inspire youth and being taken to amazing heights. Actually that same day I sat down with my grandmother and talked to her about it. I told her with moistening eyes that the idea that people year after year after year have been touched by this, have been given refuge, solace, peace, in something I did is humbling.  That what I left behind will continue touching… I sit here and consider that impact and it makes me feel selfish for the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Then there was this young lady that graciously practiced in front of this stranger and listened to the words I had to say. I once ripped forth my emotion that way. I once armed myself with words. I once used them to draw forth the rawness of the storms of my insides. And an adulthood of attack after attack by those that declare love dampened it. I allowed myself to build barriers that hindered me. And watching this young lady pour out her pain reminded me of the original purpose of the organization I kept alive.

I kept it alive for the primary purpose to allow young people to express themselves and heal wounds via whatever they wrote. Be it stories, poetry, songs, or whatever else they choose to pin down may they heal and be alive with those words.

And sitting there I realized that I have impacted people. I have done good. I have succeeded in many ways. I have to remember that. I will fall, I will get down trodden, I will get beat down, but may I never forget that somewhere I crafted an open forum for people to grow and blossom. May I remember that I simple beginning has touched so many and even if it ends tomorrow those ripples from all those people may continue an idea and dream for as long as they remember. May I remember this, may I use this to continue to grow myself, and hopefully I will be able to continue to tear down my own restrictions with it.

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

Don’t know

Blogs are interesting things. Especially ones like I enjoy writing where I cover a wide range of topics. Each topic exposes yourself. It exposes your life. It brings forth the nitty gritty and for me helps immensely… For a while.

I say “for a while” because the same thing happens over and over again when I blog. Everyone is fascinated by it as long as it only has to do with me. As soon as it has to do with with how someone relates to me, has interacted with me, and so on I get attacked for it. Does not matter the person. And I always make the mistake of sharing my blog with those that do interact with me in person.

Friends, family, lovers, partners. It all comes down to “Why did you write that?” Because it’s my blog. Nothing I said is ever untruthful, and rarely is it ever malicious. If you interact with me and want to read my thoughts chances are you will eventually become a topic point. Yet people can’t deal with that. They think they can but truthfully no one ever has been able to. When it happens it always leaves me feeling the same way. Betrayed.

That feeling makes me want to stop all together. For this blog it happened a lot sooner. Usually it’s at the one year mark. Yet I received anger before this thing reached one month. A new record for me pissing off people I interact with in person.

So just left feeling like I should close off and keep silent. I don’t know. I’ll think on it.

Don’t know

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.

The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.

Continue reading “Monsters should never pretend to be men.”

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

New Year Resolutions

It’s that time of year. That time of year when people swear not to do this anymore, or promise to do better at that. Maybe they are even declaring to learn, do something, more of something, less of something, and whatever else. For the majority of people it’s all lies they tell themselves to make them feel better about what they did not get accomplished in the first place.

I made one New Year Resolution that I have kept over and over again. It was when I was in 6th grade. I declared that I would never make another one. I’ve kept it. Now some of you are screaming at the monitor, or in your head, that was a cheating resolution. It really isn’t.

Year after year people pressure me or get on to me about making resolutions. It’s this fad that needs to go away because all it does is lead to disappointment in most. More so should you not be living your entire year to better yourself? Should you not spend each day as a new resolution to better you on your quest through life? Why only have one day to declare for the entire rest of the year? One day that you are declaring for 365 days… It doesn’t make sense.

So instead of having a New Year Resolution how about you have a life of constant betterment? Strive each day to work on you, your goals, your dreams, your life, the life of your friends, family, and loved ones. Take each day and breathe into an ‘I’m alive and resolving to do better today.” If you don’t succeed you have tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to declare the same thing over and over again. Be you. Be your life. Resolve each day to be everything. Also understand that you will fall, you will get hurt, you will make mistakes, you will hurt others, you will cause others to have mistakes, your life will have good and bad times, but resolve to work past each and ever moment on each and every day that your eyelids open. Not just today.

New Year Resolutions