Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

I’ve neglected this out of pouty hurt and a selfish betrayal. It happens. As much as I hate it I am human, a mis-wired human at times, but still human. There are emotions I don’t feel, emotions I don’t understand, things about people I will never comprehend from my slanted view of reality, but the things I do understand, the things I do feel, the items I experience burn through me and chill me with the most extreme temperatures of fantasy. It makes my reactions harsh, extreme, unexpected, or simply nonexistent. Yet I was able to experience something recently that has forced me think a lot.

A week or two ago (I have absolutely no concept of time) I visited a teacher I had in high school. She was a grounding point to me. An inspiration. A mentor. Later a friend. I visited her at the school that she still works at during her planning period. When I was a senior she and I worked hard to keep a program alive. I pumped life into that organization, I stressed over it, gritted my teeth at night in my room, and screamed in my mind wanting something more, wanting to bleed myself out and give life to something a country school wanted to die. Now it’s something amazing. She took the seed that I planted and guarded and poured my life into and made it into a beautiful tree that has stretched beyond the reaches I believed that school possible. It was heart warming. This was a creative writing club.

While I was there I was able to see a young woman practice two pieces for a competition. I was allowed to give input into the pieces. Since those days my mind has been considering that young woman and her pieces. While her topics had nothing to do with me. Her power, emotions, the fact that she was standing there reverberated in me.

The first thing is that  I often feel what I’ve done has not impacted anyone. That my life has been a waste. That I’ve not touched anyone. That in the end I’m nothing and I’ve harmed more than done good. But I see a dream I had in High School inspire youth and being taken to amazing heights. Actually that same day I sat down with my grandmother and talked to her about it. I told her with moistening eyes that the idea that people year after year after year have been touched by this, have been given refuge, solace, peace, in something I did is humbling.  That what I left behind will continue touching… I sit here and consider that impact and it makes me feel selfish for the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Then there was this young lady that graciously practiced in front of this stranger and listened to the words I had to say. I once ripped forth my emotion that way. I once armed myself with words. I once used them to draw forth the rawness of the storms of my insides. And an adulthood of attack after attack by those that declare love dampened it. I allowed myself to build barriers that hindered me. And watching this young lady pour out her pain reminded me of the original purpose of the organization I kept alive.

I kept it alive for the primary purpose to allow young people to express themselves and heal wounds via whatever they wrote. Be it stories, poetry, songs, or whatever else they choose to pin down may they heal and be alive with those words.

And sitting there I realized that I have impacted people. I have done good. I have succeeded in many ways. I have to remember that. I will fall, I will get down trodden, I will get beat down, but may I never forget that somewhere I crafted an open forum for people to grow and blossom. May I remember that I simple beginning has touched so many and even if it ends tomorrow those ripples from all those people may continue an idea and dream for as long as they remember. May I remember this, may I use this to continue to grow myself, and hopefully I will be able to continue to tear down my own restrictions with it.

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Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

Shameless Plug – volume 1

So I’m friends with many amazing writers. They are awesome awesome people and all writers need support. Everyone hears about George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, and throw any other big named famous writer here and think it’s all glamour and riches. It’s not. Most writers have day jobs. So I would like to plug some of my dear friends. If you are interested please check them out.

K.A. Stewart – She’s an amazing, and often times stubborn, woman who has great talent for crisp simple writing. Her focus is fantasy, urban fantasy and a western fantasy, you can find out about her here or if you  just want to dive into her books you can go here and her self pubbed here. Oh she is also going to be my Best Matron in my upcoming wedding.

Lela Gwenn – She’s a model, writer, fitness guru, nerdy, supports women and women rights in so many ways and during a very very dark time offered to take me in. She’s amazing all around. Her projects usually launch as kickstarters and various crowd sourcing type things. So if you are interested in knowing more about here go here, this is a comic book project she writes on, a book of her’s… She’s great.

Alice Loweecy – She is the mommy of a lot of the writers, and I cause this poor woman anxiety to no end. She also is a great lady and during a moment that I need a firm advice gave it to me. She writes mystery novels. Specifically mystery novels about an ex-nun crime fighter. You can learn all kinds of things about her here, or if you want to snatch up her books hurry over here

Maryn Blackburn – She’s a fun older lady that writes erotica. Another person that has imparted wisdom to me from time to time or simply lifted my spirits with good conversation. She’s great, experienced, and sometimes actually supports my insane antics. If you want to learn more about her you can go here or if you want to buy her hot and steamy book go here.

There are more I want to plug, and eventually will get to some other amazing authors, but for now this is a start. If you are looking for some good reading please check these ladies out.

Shameless Plug – volume 1

Etsy Store

I’ve had an etsy store for a little while now. Doesn’t really make me a lot of money but I’m able to pursue some of my other passions via it. The store does focus on wild harvested things. Everything that is taken from nature is done in the most sustainable fashion possible. I take great pride in respecting nature to it’s fullest.

I hope to start making inks next year for it and sail other lovely things that I make or find.

In the spring I’ll ramp it back up again on what’s in there but for now if you are interested in it you can find it HERE

Etsy Store

God is in the Vagina

I use facebook for a few things. It’s a good source of news updates in science, sustainability, and really whatever I choose. I also use it to watch so many that I went to school with. Watching them I notice a few things.

First is that people get fat. I’m really only twenty to thirty pounds from when I graduated high school many many many many moons ago. Granted I really needed those pounds, way way too skinny, but seriously a lot of them have gotten huge and while I’m a supporter of body acceptance I am also a supporter of healthy lifestyle choices. Now a small percentage of them have health issues and I take that in consideration as well but with each passing year I watch so many of them them get larger and larger.

The second thing I notice is that so many people I went to school with seem to have found god after they have children. The ones that already “knew” god just found more of god after having a child. This leads me to one conclusion, or not really. God is hiding somewhere in the vaginal canal.

Being that I do not have one I can’t claim to be an expert but I started reading and researching human anatomy, especially the female anatomy, when I was in 5th grade. Hey what was a 5th grader supposed to do when you had read through all the books in the small public library…. Move to the college textbooks. On top of all that I’ve raised animals and seen births of animals, watched births of human children on videos, and let’s face it I’ve had partners that I’ve spent some time in between their legs. With all this I’ve never seen a divine light, heard a booming voice, or felt a presence come out of there.

Let’s face it. If that happened I would probably just become a hermit in the woods the first time it happened. Just how scary would that be? Your face down there and a deep booming voice and light hits you! No more playing. Game over man. Cashing out and staying away. That would just be too much. But really imagine that beaming light and booming voice…. No. Done. I need therapy now after that imagination session.

So what gives? Why is it that when people have children all of a sudden they go from questioning religion to finding god? Now it’s not everyone. I just see it a lot. I believe it is guilt and a feeling of “Oh shit I am responsible for another human now.” To me I see these people that did bad things, we all do, and they are suddenly like “I have to be more for this child! I must be the pinnacle of examples!” I don’t believe in that. I do not believe you need to be more for your child. I believe you need to be you in all your flawed glory.

So many parents try to hide what they did as a child. For years my grandparents raised my brothers and I. My grandfather never hid his past from me. He was the leader of a gang, fought regularly, drank, ran away from home, and you know what I respected the man more for this. I was very young when he started telling me these stories and I felt honored even then to be given the chance to see his soul. And I do that now with my fiancee’s children. I don’t hide who I am and what I was. There is no case for morality in this. Just honesty.

I believe another thing happens when someone has a child. I believe they fall back on how they were raised. So those that may have been Atheists that were in a Christian household smash themselves back into a mold that their parents were in. It makes me wonder how many truly believe. How much is it falling back on what is expected because there is no manual on raising a human so they fall back on a known instead of continuing with the unknown.

All and all it’s an amusing thing to watch. Believe if you will. Don’t believe if you will. Harm none with your beliefs, but don’t compromise yourself because that is what you think you should. And always watch out for the booming voice and beaming lights.

God is in the Vagina