Pain

So I am mildly concerned at the moment. I’m currently on day 11 of testicular pain in my left testicle. The pain changes from day-to-day. Some days it’s mild. Other days I want to throw up from the pain. At work recently I jumped a flat standing jump to pull something off the top shelf. When I landed I almost passed out from the pain and was sick the rest of the night. To put that in perspective I’ve experienced some hellish pain before and I’ve only now blacked out twice. One of those times was after oral surgery when I woke up and found no painkillers.

Now I know. I should go to the doctor. Couple of problems with this. My insurance is not active yet and I have shitty restaurant insurance right now that won’t cover much. So when it does go active… Well I’ll be able to figure out what’s wrong but I don’t know what else. We’ll see what happens when I get insurance.

Here’s the thing. I’ll be fine. One way or another I will. It happens. It will get better. It’s just incredibly unpleasant until then.

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Pain

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

I’ve neglected this out of pouty hurt and a selfish betrayal. It happens. As much as I hate it I am human, a mis-wired human at times, but still human. There are emotions I don’t feel, emotions I don’t understand, things about people I will never comprehend from my slanted view of reality, but the things I do understand, the things I do feel, the items I experience burn through me and chill me with the most extreme temperatures of fantasy. It makes my reactions harsh, extreme, unexpected, or simply nonexistent. Yet I was able to experience something recently that has forced me think a lot.

A week or two ago (I have absolutely no concept of time) I visited a teacher I had in high school. She was a grounding point to me. An inspiration. A mentor. Later a friend. I visited her at the school that she still works at during her planning period. When I was a senior she and I worked hard to keep a program alive. I pumped life into that organization, I stressed over it, gritted my teeth at night in my room, and screamed in my mind wanting something more, wanting to bleed myself out and give life to something a country school wanted to die. Now it’s something amazing. She took the seed that I planted and guarded and poured my life into and made it into a beautiful tree that has stretched beyond the reaches I believed that school possible. It was heart warming. This was a creative writing club.

While I was there I was able to see a young woman practice two pieces for a competition. I was allowed to give input into the pieces. Since those days my mind has been considering that young woman and her pieces. While her topics had nothing to do with me. Her power, emotions, the fact that she was standing there reverberated in me.

The first thing is that  I often feel what I’ve done has not impacted anyone. That my life has been a waste. That I’ve not touched anyone. That in the end I’m nothing and I’ve harmed more than done good. But I see a dream I had in High School inspire youth and being taken to amazing heights. Actually that same day I sat down with my grandmother and talked to her about it. I told her with moistening eyes that the idea that people year after year after year have been touched by this, have been given refuge, solace, peace, in something I did is humbling.  That what I left behind will continue touching… I sit here and consider that impact and it makes me feel selfish for the way I’ve been feeling lately.

Then there was this young lady that graciously practiced in front of this stranger and listened to the words I had to say. I once ripped forth my emotion that way. I once armed myself with words. I once used them to draw forth the rawness of the storms of my insides. And an adulthood of attack after attack by those that declare love dampened it. I allowed myself to build barriers that hindered me. And watching this young lady pour out her pain reminded me of the original purpose of the organization I kept alive.

I kept it alive for the primary purpose to allow young people to express themselves and heal wounds via whatever they wrote. Be it stories, poetry, songs, or whatever else they choose to pin down may they heal and be alive with those words.

And sitting there I realized that I have impacted people. I have done good. I have succeeded in many ways. I have to remember that. I will fall, I will get down trodden, I will get beat down, but may I never forget that somewhere I crafted an open forum for people to grow and blossom. May I remember that I simple beginning has touched so many and even if it ends tomorrow those ripples from all those people may continue an idea and dream for as long as they remember. May I remember this, may I use this to continue to grow myself, and hopefully I will be able to continue to tear down my own restrictions with it.

Sometimes look back at the beginnings and see what futures have come.

Depression

I’ve been deep in thought lately. Very deep in thought.

Since puberty I’ve dealt with depression. It seems about every ten years I have break down as well. They progressively get worse as well. The last one came very near to killing me. So near that I was diagnosed with major clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m not shy about this. I am open and honest. Yet I’ve pondered the frequency and consistency of my break downs and have come to a nasty conclusion.

First I figured out why. I now am very aware of what I do that triggers the chain of events that will lead to it. Now I don’t understand the time frame. Probably never will. But I do understand the cause. I hold it up like a putrid gem and have admired it’s horrifying beauty.

But the down and dirty of it is that I cannot cease the action the action that causes the break down has to happen. So inevitability I will snap again. Oh it won’t be anytime soon, but after careful examination of my life I see the bars I’ve surrounded myself with so very clearly.

Depression

Shameless Plug – volume 1

So I’m friends with many amazing writers. They are awesome awesome people and all writers need support. Everyone hears about George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, and throw any other big named famous writer here and think it’s all glamour and riches. It’s not. Most writers have day jobs. So I would like to plug some of my dear friends. If you are interested please check them out.

K.A. Stewart – She’s an amazing, and often times stubborn, woman who has great talent for crisp simple writing. Her focus is fantasy, urban fantasy and a western fantasy, you can find out about her here or if you  just want to dive into her books you can go here and her self pubbed here. Oh she is also going to be my Best Matron in my upcoming wedding.

Lela Gwenn – She’s a model, writer, fitness guru, nerdy, supports women and women rights in so many ways and during a very very dark time offered to take me in. She’s amazing all around. Her projects usually launch as kickstarters and various crowd sourcing type things. So if you are interested in knowing more about here go here, this is a comic book project she writes on, a book of her’s… She’s great.

Alice Loweecy – She is the mommy of a lot of the writers, and I cause this poor woman anxiety to no end. She also is a great lady and during a moment that I need a firm advice gave it to me. She writes mystery novels. Specifically mystery novels about an ex-nun crime fighter. You can learn all kinds of things about her here, or if you want to snatch up her books hurry over here

Maryn Blackburn – She’s a fun older lady that writes erotica. Another person that has imparted wisdom to me from time to time or simply lifted my spirits with good conversation. She’s great, experienced, and sometimes actually supports my insane antics. If you want to learn more about her you can go here or if you want to buy her hot and steamy book go here.

There are more I want to plug, and eventually will get to some other amazing authors, but for now this is a start. If you are looking for some good reading please check these ladies out.

Shameless Plug – volume 1

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.

The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.

Continue reading “Monsters should never pretend to be men.”

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

Garden itch

It’s January. I start obsessing. This time of year. Plotting. Planning. It becomes a maddening task. It is all about my garden. It’s a maddening cycle. What am I going to plant? What do I need to amend the soil. Have to start ordering. Do I have everything I need… Around and around and around. So much to do and it is all so incredibly exciting.

Continue reading “Garden itch”

Garden itch

New Year Resolutions

It’s that time of year. That time of year when people swear not to do this anymore, or promise to do better at that. Maybe they are even declaring to learn, do something, more of something, less of something, and whatever else. For the majority of people it’s all lies they tell themselves to make them feel better about what they did not get accomplished in the first place.

I made one New Year Resolution that I have kept over and over again. It was when I was in 6th grade. I declared that I would never make another one. I’ve kept it. Now some of you are screaming at the monitor, or in your head, that was a cheating resolution. It really isn’t.

Year after year people pressure me or get on to me about making resolutions. It’s this fad that needs to go away because all it does is lead to disappointment in most. More so should you not be living your entire year to better yourself? Should you not spend each day as a new resolution to better you on your quest through life? Why only have one day to declare for the entire rest of the year? One day that you are declaring for 365 days… It doesn’t make sense.

So instead of having a New Year Resolution how about you have a life of constant betterment? Strive each day to work on you, your goals, your dreams, your life, the life of your friends, family, and loved ones. Take each day and breathe into an ‘I’m alive and resolving to do better today.” If you don’t succeed you have tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to declare the same thing over and over again. Be you. Be your life. Resolve each day to be everything. Also understand that you will fall, you will get hurt, you will make mistakes, you will hurt others, you will cause others to have mistakes, your life will have good and bad times, but resolve to work past each and ever moment on each and every day that your eyelids open. Not just today.

New Year Resolutions