Depression

I’ve been deep in thought lately. Very deep in thought.

Since puberty I’ve dealt with depression. It seems about every ten years I have break down as well. They progressively get worse as well. The last one came very near to killing me. So near that I was diagnosed with major clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m not shy about this. I am open and honest. Yet I’ve pondered the frequency and consistency of my break downs and have come to a nasty conclusion.

First I figured out why. I now am very aware of what I do that triggers the chain of events that will lead to it. Now I don’t understand the time frame. Probably never will. But I do understand the cause. I hold it up like a putrid gem and have admired it’s horrifying beauty.

But the down and dirty of it is that I cannot cease the action the action that causes the break down has to happen. So inevitability I will snap again. Oh it won’t be anytime soon, but after careful examination of my life I see the bars I’ve surrounded myself with so very clearly.

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Depression

It has begun!

Today is the Winter Solstice. I had not intended to begin this blog until the 27th but it just feels right.

This marks the beginnings of my favorite season.  Yet this winter is clouded by a chaotic time for me. I find myself newly unemployed and lost. This was on top of me having to deal with some personal issues, which I will declare in a moment.

Before the unemployment monster hit me I was dealing with an issue of confusion, somewhat betrayed, and shattered. I had learned something about my fiancée that changed a lot of things but in a subtle shock wave. You see what was portrayed versus what was later talked over were not a lie just a different color but that color changed so much.

It is like showing a picture of a dandelion to someone and everything about that picture is perfect except the flower. The flower is white, but this person has never seen a dandelion before so just assumes the entire plant, flower, and seed head are all as portrayed in this portrait. So the person is in love with this plant and decides to use it as an accent piece for a grand exhibit and orders hundreds of them.

The day arrives and the plants all arrive and low and behold they are yellow. The person still loves the plant. They still admire it for all it is. They even want to use it. Yet the entire event is now made “off” because the accent piece was supposed to be green and white not green and yellow. So this event planner’s entire evening is shattered and it causes ripples because this tiny flower was shown off as a different color. The worst part about the whole thing is the person showing the photo was color-blind to the entire situation and truly did not mean to do what was done.

So I’ve been dealing with this and my fiancée has gone back and forth between having amazing patience and breaking down in accusatory fits. I cannot blame her for this. It is a confusing thing. The additional stress to us is that when I am under high psychological duress I become asexual.

So because of my desire to correct the flow of my life I am starting this blog early. This blog will not be a single topic blog. Here you’ll find every topic of my life come to life, like a dancing puppet, on these pages. The topics can be plants, gardening, wild harvesting, herbalism, BDSM, relationships, mental health (I have major clinical depression and my finacee has bi-polar 1), children (she has two children this is still new to me), dogs (I have three of them), politics, science, religion or the lack there of, mindfulness, and really whatever I feel like at the time. I will also probably start queuing in the days to come past blogs from other places, don’t worry I’ll date them as when they were originally posted, to get things flowing on here in a better rhythm.

This is because when I try to write a singular topic blog I fail. Any blogs I’ve started that are as varied as the world itself have always had a much longer shelf life. They have lasted years. So here I am declaring that I’m putting out an effort to put things back into alignment. To find my balance again, and to get things back on my meandering track again.

It has begun!