I’ve been deep in thought lately. Very deep in thought.

Since puberty I’ve dealt with depression. It seems about every ten years I have break down as well. They progressively get worse as well. The last one came very near to killing me. So near that I was diagnosed with major clinical depression with suicidal tendencies. I’m not shy about this. I am open and honest. Yet I’ve pondered the frequency and consistency of my break downs and have come to a nasty conclusion.

First I figured out why. I now am very aware of what I do that triggers the chain of events that will lead to it. Now I don’t understand the time frame. Probably never will. But I do understand the cause. I hold it up like a putrid gem and have admired it’s horrifying beauty.

But the down and dirty of it is that I cannot cease the action the action that causes the break down has to happen. So inevitability I will snap again. Oh it won’t be anytime soon, but after careful examination of my life I see the bars I’ve surrounded myself with so very clearly.


Shameless Plug – volume 1

So I’m friends with many amazing writers. They are awesome awesome people and all writers need support. Everyone hears about George R. R. Martin, Stephen King, and throw any other big named famous writer here and think it’s all glamour and riches. It’s not. Most writers have day jobs. So I would like to plug some of my dear friends. If you are interested please check them out.

K.A. Stewart – She’s an amazing, and often times stubborn, woman who has great talent for crisp simple writing. Her focus is fantasy, urban fantasy and a western fantasy, you can find out about her here or if you  just want to dive into her books you can go here and her self pubbed here. Oh she is also going to be my Best Matron in my upcoming wedding.

Lela Gwenn – She’s a model, writer, fitness guru, nerdy, supports women and women rights in so many ways and during a very very dark time offered to take me in. She’s amazing all around. Her projects usually launch as kickstarters and various crowd sourcing type things. So if you are interested in knowing more about here go here, this is a comic book project she writes on, a book of her’s… She’s great.

Alice Loweecy – She is the mommy of a lot of the writers, and I cause this poor woman anxiety to no end. She also is a great lady and during a moment that I need a firm advice gave it to me. She writes mystery novels. Specifically mystery novels about an ex-nun crime fighter. You can learn all kinds of things about her here, or if you want to snatch up her books hurry over here

Maryn Blackburn – She’s a fun older lady that writes erotica. Another person that has imparted wisdom to me from time to time or simply lifted my spirits with good conversation. She’s great, experienced, and sometimes actually supports my insane antics. If you want to learn more about her you can go here or if you want to buy her hot and steamy book go here.

There are more I want to plug, and eventually will get to some other amazing authors, but for now this is a start. If you are looking for some good reading please check these ladies out.

Shameless Plug – volume 1

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

I have far too many things I do not understand, do not feel, and will forever be seperated from. A friend said it best when they said “Caleb exists in the world but does not live in this world.” That statement has rang so true to me I don’t know what to do about it. It is peaceful and hurtful at the same time. The truth does hurt sometimes.

The problem is I can’t bridge both worlds. I try so bad. I try to build bridges and give people the tools to survive in my world of Day Dreams and Nightmares. But the tools are always the wrong size, wrong shape, poorly given, or wrong material for each person I hand them to. It’s because the tools come from my world and don’t make sense in everyone else’s world.

Continue reading “Monsters should never pretend to be men.”

Monsters should never pretend to be men.

Garden itch

It’s January. I start obsessing. This time of year. Plotting. Planning. It becomes a maddening task. It is all about my garden. It’s a maddening cycle. What am I going to plant? What do I need to amend the soil. Have to start ordering. Do I have everything I need… Around and around and around. So much to do and it is all so incredibly exciting.

Continue reading “Garden itch”

Garden itch

New Year Resolutions

It’s that time of year. That time of year when people swear not to do this anymore, or promise to do better at that. Maybe they are even declaring to learn, do something, more of something, less of something, and whatever else. For the majority of people it’s all lies they tell themselves to make them feel better about what they did not get accomplished in the first place.

I made one New Year Resolution that I have kept over and over again. It was when I was in 6th grade. I declared that I would never make another one. I’ve kept it. Now some of you are screaming at the monitor, or in your head, that was a cheating resolution. It really isn’t.

Year after year people pressure me or get on to me about making resolutions. It’s this fad that needs to go away because all it does is lead to disappointment in most. More so should you not be living your entire year to better yourself? Should you not spend each day as a new resolution to better you on your quest through life? Why only have one day to declare for the entire rest of the year? One day that you are declaring for 365 days… It doesn’t make sense.

So instead of having a New Year Resolution how about you have a life of constant betterment? Strive each day to work on you, your goals, your dreams, your life, the life of your friends, family, and loved ones. Take each day and breathe into an ‘I’m alive and resolving to do better today.” If you don’t succeed you have tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow to declare the same thing over and over again. Be you. Be your life. Resolve each day to be everything. Also understand that you will fall, you will get hurt, you will make mistakes, you will hurt others, you will cause others to have mistakes, your life will have good and bad times, but resolve to work past each and ever moment on each and every day that your eyelids open. Not just today.

New Year Resolutions

Plants vs “Special” Dog

Conner, my cardigan corgi mix, is an odd creature. If it is possible for dogs to be autistic then I believe he is. He has also been my charity case. Poor dog was so beat up with parasites when I first adopted him many many many moons ago.  He has taken some pretty harsh injures over the years and occasionally becomes the slayer of house plants.

It’s not often. Months and months will go by and he is sweet and never even gives a second glance at the plants. They no longer are a thing. Just invisible to his happy go lucky world. All is in balance and right. Then one day it all goes to Hell and Conner strikes.

He will go through and defoliate and consume everything! Just devours through them all like the ravenous bugblatter beast of traal. It’s a murderous rage that fills him. The rage of a psychopath loaded down with weapons in a shopping mall during Christmas. It always happens unseen by me. The only warning sign I have are the piles and piles and piles and PILES of dog vomit all over the house.

By rights that insane little dog should be dead. In one evening he consumed three four foot avocado trees to the dirt in the pots…. No trunks even left. Just devoured them like a beaver. He then spent the entire next day vomiting it all up. There have been others. Many many others over the years.

His recent attack was on culinary herbs that I brought in to overwinter. Again it resulted in profuse vomiting. Really by the time I found out what has been done there is no use in taking him to the vet because he’s vomited up everything that was consumed. So we continue this wicked cycle over and over again. I keep extremely toxic plants out of his reach but there is only so much space to do that.

Plants vs “Special” Dog

Knife Care 101 – Sharpening vs Honing

Originally posted elsewhere on August 2014

On this episode of “You don’t know what you are talking about.” I want to discuss something I’ve heard people have talked about incorrectly in the knife world.

For those of you that may not know I was trained by a professional knife sharpener when I was around 12 years old. From that moment on I’ve gobbled up whatever information I could on keeping knives sharp and happy.

Now I have listened to people talk about their knives over the years. Recently I’ve spoken to people about various forms of care for various types of blades. I’ve found, especially in the local BDSM community, a misconception of honing vs sharpening. I even had someone tell me once “I prefer a strop to a sharpening stone.” So allow me a moment to type down some basic ideas here. Not going to go into technical stuff or what not. Just going to talk about concepts

Sharpening – Sharpening a knife is actually removing tiny strips or pieces of metal from your knife. It brings that edge back to life. It restores it. Makes it that oh so deadly we all love. If you do not do it correctly you will ruin your blade.

Some of the tools of the sharpening world are, grinding wheels, files, whet stones, bench stones, Japanese water stones, fine grit sand paper (upwards in the 1500 + range), etc.

With sharpening the more coarse the stone the more metal that is stripped away. The finer the stone the less metal and obvious as the name goes the finer the edge you put on the blade.

Honing – Honing is basically realigning your already sharpened blade. As you use a knife, be it a kitchen knife or a hunting knife, the edge will curl to one side or other. Honing encourages that edge back in its proper place. It straightens it. Honing also removes any microscopic burrs that are left behind in the sharpening process. It smooths the blade. Think of it as the “lotion” for the blade (it puts the lotion on the skin).

Some honing tools you’ll find are pieces of leather, strops, honing rods both ceramic and steel (these you often see in knife block sets), compounds to rub into your leathers or strops, etc.

Now with honing rods it is always better to not get the really low-end ones or it can really mess up your knives.

So there you have it children. Sharpening is not Honing and Honing is not Sharpening. They are completely different elements in caring for your lovely edged friend.

Knife Care 101 – Sharpening vs Honing